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Monday, July 18, 2016

Miscarriage

Salam...

buat pertama kali dalam hidup, aku keguguran...suppose to be my 3rd baby...macam mana boleh keguguran???

al-kisahnya...aku tak tau pun aku pregnant..tak terfikir langsung nak check..memang period lambat 2 weeks..tapi sejak lepas bersalinkan zhariff tu, baru 2x aku period...dan bulan ni kali ketiga..aku ingatkan hormon masih tak stabil sebab 1st & 2nd period pun lewat seminggu...so yang ketiga ni lewat 2 weeks ingatkan normal..rupanya bukan darah period..tapi bleeding for miscarriage...hari ahad lepas (10 July 2016), ada stain sikit masa malam tu...aku ingat dah start nak period..so ok je..isnin masih cuti raya..berjalan sana sini..makan macam2...dengan minum air gas bergelas2...pastu petang tu makan durian banyak gila..esoknya pergi kerja macam biasa..tapi around 2pm camtu, dah start perut tak selesa..petang dalam kol 5 lebih tu terus rasa sakit...sampailah malam tu, memang berguling2 aku menahan sakit...ingatkan sengugut..tapi peliklah teruk sangat sakitnya...pinggang, punggung, perut...semua sakit dan rasa bisa2...sakit sampai menangis..nasib hubby ada, tolong sapukan minyak & urut2 kat pinggang..tapi tak lega...makan ubat...malam dalam kol 11 tu dah lega sikit sakitnya..terus tidur...pagi kol 6 lebih bangun, buat susu si zhariff..ingatkan nak bersiap untuk pergi kerja, sekalitu start sakit balik...so tak jadi..watsapp bos cakap MC..period pain...

tengahari dah lega sikit, baru bangun untuk mandi...anak2 pun memang dah bising..maybe sebab diaorang dah lapar..aku pun gagahkan diri..time nak mandi salin pad tu la aku nampak ada seketul darah beku..ala2 macam daging / paru pun ada...lembik2 kenyal gitu...warna darah coklat2 sikit & ada putih2 di hujungnya...aku terkejut..ingatkan darah beku besar keluar..time tu perut dah lega sikit...masakkan anak2 untuk lunch..lepas suap diaorang, aku pun drive hantar gi umah parents sebab nak gi klinik amik MC...

sampai klinik, bila consult with doctor, terus dia cakap aku keguguran...me like orang kena panah petir..terkejut yang amat...aku siap menafikan..tak doktor, saya sengugut..tu darah beku...then dia amik kiraan period aku, he said it's about 6 weeks..bagi prescription ubat & MC...aku pun terus watsapp hubby & balik rumah...masih tak percaya...tapi malam tu start sakit balik cuma tak seteruk hari sebelum tu...so sambung MC..pergi semula ke klinik & doktor yang sama..he said let me confirming it, dia terus buat urine test...and guess what??...keluar 2 line merah tapi agak pudar line tu...and aku terus terdiam tengok result tu...tak sangka sangat memang keguguran...he advise me to get ultrasound scan to check whether ada sisa ke tak..if yes, kena cuci...he keep advising me...bla bla bla...tapi lain2 dia cakap tak masuk kepala aku..terus rasa blank je...serius...tak sangka sangat2...tak tau apa perasaan time tu...cuma rasa kosong sekosong kosongnya...................

balik tu termenung je...apa anak2 buat pun tak sedar...until tetiba terasa tangan usap kepala..tengok2 zafran disisi..dia kiss aku..dia tanya "mama sakit ke??" entah kenapa terus mengalir air mata....tak tau air mata sebab sedih or sebab terharu dengan zafran yang caring...he's just 3+ years old yet he so understanding & caring enough like a man...aku peluk dia..aku cakap baby dah tak ada...baby dah keluar..mama berdarah...zhariff datang sama..tapi dia pandang je aku...pastu dia tolak abang dia..dia peluk aku..cakap apa aku tak faham..hahaha...dia jeles kot aku peluk zafran....

malam tu hubby balik..baru cerita dengan dia...esoknya we all pergi scan kat klinik lain since earlier klinik tu tak ada ultrasound scanning...after waited about 2 hours..dapatlah jumpa...lepas cerita serba sikit, scan terus..seems rahim bersih & kosong..buat urine test juga...yes, doktor pun cakap keguguran...she advise me the same, suruh rehat..dun stress...bla...bla...bla...balik tu dalam kereta hubby gengam tangan...dia tanya aku sakit ke..aku geleng je..aku tanya dia..dia sedih tak aku keguguran..dia cakap "mestilah sedih, risau sangat tengok aku"....aku cakap...."walaupun aku tak rasa nak baby at this moment, tapi bila tau baby gugur, aku rasa sedih"...he said "hubby pun sama..kalau betul ada baby, hubby tak kisah pun..bukanlah cakap tak nak tu maknanya terus tak nak langsung"...

erm...aku rasa macam tak guna sebab tak tau pun preggy...tak jaga diri leklok..dan...paling aku ralat sekali...sebab aku buang baby dalam tandas...aku betul2 tak terfikir tu baby..aku ingatkan cuma darah beku kotor...aku cuci pad macam biasa...erm....rasa terrible sangat....kenapalah aku boleh tak terfikir langsung yang aku preggy.........................

ramai comfort aku...even my sister said, like a white man said...miscarriage is because of "bad eggs"...my sister in law pula cakap it is not my fault for buang macam  tu je..because i don't even know about it...lagipun..it's only 6 weeks..cuma seketul daging tanpa roh...my buddy said...redha..insyaAllah baby tunggu aku di syurga...

ya...those a little word yang boleh legakan hati aku at this moment....thanks to all....

hari ni dah mula bekerja...MC 3 ari je..doktor suruh pergi hospital then i can get 2 weeks MC...but i think it's ok...nanti kena warded lagi susah..rindu anak2...hopefully aku recover cepat...dan lebih berhati2 next time...

i love you sayang..maafkan mama atas kekhilafan mama tidak menyedari kehadiran kamu sayang...mama doakan anak syurma mama tenang di sana...i know we will meet again one fine day...tunggu mama di sana sayang..........al-fatihah....

Notes: my mama said..its might be a baby boy based on bentuknya...if panjang2 boy, if bulat & leper it is a girl...


4 comments:

  1. Semoga awak kuat melalui dugaan ini..

    ReplyDelete
  2. klau da pnggang perut suma sakit contraction la tu..rsa kn msa zhariff dlu?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. sakit dia len macam...dlu zhariff mmg tau contraction..sbb dia dtg kerap2 & consisten...yg ni len...sakit je tak berhenti2...bisa...

      Delete

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I'm your ERASER

pencil: you know, i'm really sorry

eraser: for what? you didn't do anything wrong to me...

pencil: i'm sorry cause you get hurt because of me..whenever i made mistake, you're always there to erase it. but as you made my mistake vanish, you lose a part of yourself..you get smaller and smaller every time :(

eraser: that's true...but i don't really mind. you see, i was made to do this..i was made to help you whenever you do something wrong. eventhough, one of these days, i know i'll be gone and you have to replace me with a new one, i'm actually happy with my job..so please stop worrying...i HATE seeing you SAD because of me..

I do really LOVE you bie...

I do really LOVE you bie...